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Post by Mouse on Feb 11, 2005 8:01:45 GMT
Wow. We have action, we have questions, we have a very interesting protagonist. If this were the intro to a book I would have to say I am most definitely hooked. I wasn't expecting the fangs (which is a good thing), and it added to the intrigue of the character. Who is he exactly, and what's he running away from? Same for Aislinn. Two interesting characters who are not what they seem. What's so important about the AI? What's going to happen next? I really feel like I care, which is good too. If you have any more I'd love to read it, but even if this is it if you'd like to email it to me as a word document I'll go through and do a more thorough crit for you. My email's on my profile. I definitely like the premise. And for the record, my alias is taken from the heroine of my first novel. Nothing wrong with that.  |
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Post by Kayne on Feb 11, 2005 8:42:07 GMT
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Post by Cj on Feb 13, 2005 11:06:06 GMT
Me Likkey!!!!! Holy crap I want more, strike that I NEED MORE!! That idea rocks the Kaszzzzba! I love your main character! I’ve been looking for a character like this to read about for ages can never find any good ones you are so onto a winner! As for dialogue I don’t see what you dislike about it, I love it, you don’t interrupt it when its there, you don’t explain it to death, you’ve hit the balance on the head! And your description pushes poetic! It’s inspiring! And such a beautiful style. I just can’t fit in enough exclamation marks in this!!!!!!!!!! You were reeling me in from “a river of humanity flowing around a stone, parting for it, yet slowly and surely eroding it.”<br>AND THAT AT THE BEGINNING And lovin the Tokyo, Kyoto refs (uber eastern fan myself!) i'd also be up for email  |
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Post by Kayne on Feb 15, 2005 1:57:08 GMT
Thanks CJ. I dunno, i just have a hard time thinking of stuff for the characters to say and it always sounds fake to me (description is more my forte ) My email is bugging at the moment so i'll send u it when it settles down |
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Post by Chirugal on Feb 15, 2005 1:59:24 GMT
WHOA. Nice one! I can't really say much intelligent at the moment, because I really should be in bed, I can hardly keep my eyes open! But I can say this: your style is engaging, your characterisation truly rocks and the world seems well-built so far. Very impressive! ;D btw my mother pointed out that i'd mispelt Violet and Violence in the the thread title I will modify it. |
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Post by Kayne on Feb 15, 2005 2:11:18 GMT
thankyou oh wise and benovolent Chirugal, Queen of Torleys and all it's domains |
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Post by Chirugal on Feb 15, 2005 2:12:57 GMT
 ... okay, I like you. ;D
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Post by Kayne on Feb 15, 2005 2:18:23 GMT
flattery gets you everywhere |
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Post by Cj on Feb 15, 2005 19:58:31 GMT
i just have a hard time thinking of stuff for the characters to say and it always sounds fake to me I have to refute! (as a now fan!) I believe often less is more, you allow the characters to breathe and in a very cinematic descriptive and (indie/cult movie way) you allow the characters to grow in the imaginations of their audience. |
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Post by Chirugal on Feb 17, 2005 0:06:18 GMT
Right, that's it, you rock...
Your prose never falters, and you have so many interesting ideas just thrown into the narrative that seem to belong there... *bows*
I can't find anything at all to criticise - well, except that Kayne uses chatspeak. Chatspeak is my pet hate! ;D
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Post by Cj on Feb 17, 2005 12:55:28 GMT
All right that’s it! You’ve gone and done it now,  Azrael Kayne has now become one of my favourite characters and if you don’t kept up posting about him or at least something about him I shall be much’ly deprived!!! Deprived I tell you!!   Your pace, your style, *sigh in admiration* and I still have yet to figure out why you dislike your character interaction, you naturally make it realistic!! |
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GrimmRiffer
Tert Player
P-S-Y-C-H-O-P-A-T-H
Respectfully obeying the laws of physics on British roads since 1993
Posts: 142
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Post by GrimmRiffer on May 10, 2005 18:39:45 GMT
btw my mother pointed out that i'd mispelt Violet and Violence in the the thread title You also missed a your that should've been "you're" and a past that should be "passed". And if that's the worst neg-crit you ever get I think you'll be OK, s'all I've got for you. Love the action, though I wondered why you felt you should bite the guys throat when you had hold of his arm - bite that and then back off and let him die. Bear it in mind for next time kid, or you might get thrown harder. Dialog was ... just fine. Good dialog is like good suspension - if you don't notice it then it's working perfectly; and I didn't. When you're rich and famous and I'm a destitute wino, can I tell people I knew you? (Same question to the rest of you) |
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Post by Chirugal on May 10, 2005 20:14:06 GMT
When you're rich and famous and I'm a destitute wino, can I tell people I knew you? (Same question to the rest of you) Hell, yes. And I may even buy you your next bottle of vodka, aren't I nice? |
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GrimmRiffer
Tert Player
P-S-Y-C-H-O-P-A-T-H
Respectfully obeying the laws of physics on British roads since 1993
Posts: 142
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Post by GrimmRiffer on May 10, 2005 20:39:44 GMT
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Post by Kayne on Jun 10, 2005 4:27:27 GMT
this will make absolutely no sense to the rest of you guys, but i have to do it to make up for my a$$inine behavior towards a very good friend of mine.
BEC'S HAIR IS ABSOLUTELY-FANTASTICLY-UTTERLY-TOTALLY THE HOTTEST THING SINCE SLICED TOAST AND I'M A JERK!
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